The Hurt of Tomorrow
by brittanaisendgameforever
Summary: When Santana loses her heart and reason for living, will her memories of her love bring her back or bury her deeper in grief? Rated M. Warning: Some on the materiel in this story may be sensitive to some.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my second official fic. If you haven't, check out my other fic, **_**Nothing Else Matters**_**.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own glee. But I do own a box of tissues that I had to use while writing this!**

It's been three days…It's been three day since Santana's life had been ripped apart. Three days without sunshine, sleep, food…but most importantly the love of her life.

After getting dressed in what her mother put out for her, Santana just fell back onto the bed and buried her face in a pillow. Brittany's pillow. The one she had slept one just three days ago. It still smelled like her, but considering how much time Santana was taking up with it, the smell was starting to fade. That was her worst nightmare. That Brittany would simply fade out of her life.

A sudden, but light knock at the door startled Santana, but she didn't get up. She knew it was just her mother.

"Santana, are you ready yet? We're going to be late…" Her mother, Maria, gently opened the door and peered inside. "Oh mija…come on, get up." Her mother's concerned voice touched her, but she didn't react. She just felt more tears coming. Santana didn't think it was possible for her to cry anymore. She didn't think a human body could produce that much salty water. Yet again she never thought she'd be living without Brittany.

Maria quickly sat on the edge of Santana's bed and rubbed her back. "She wouldn't want you to be like this mija…" Even Santana loved her mother, she was about to snap. She pooped her head up and sent her mother a warning look. "Don't mama". The older Latina sent her one right back, "Santana. I know you're hurting right now. But don't inflict more pain on the rest of us, who are also suffering might I add. You're not the only one who lost Brittany. We all did. Now get up and fix your makeup and hair. Your friends and I and your father will be waiting downstairs." Maria cleared her throat and then got up and left, closing the door behind her.

Santana knew her mother was right. She wasn't the only one who was hurting, but she was sure the only ones who did feel as much pain as she was feeling were Brittany's parents and her sister.

Not wanting another pep talk Santana finally crawled out of bed and entered the bathroom connected to her bedroom. She took a deep breath and stared into the mirror. She didn't recognize herself. Her eyes were blood shot and crusty, from all the crying. Her hair had lost its glow. She had bags on top of bags under her eyes and it looked almost like she had been beaten. She looked weak. Probably from not eating in three day.

She sighed loudly and in an effort to keep the tears back, she ran some cold water and splashed her face. She continued to keep her mind occupied by re-applying her makeup and then fixing her hair in a neat bun. Before walking out of her room, she grabbed her purse. It was the one Brittany had bought her for graduation. It was one of the many presents she surprised her with. Santana felt a tear, and immediately wiped it away while throwing the bag back down on the desk.

Today was going to be a bad day. Perhaps the worst day in Santana's life. In couple of hours she would be burying her everything. Her soul mate, her girlfriend, her heart.

She took a deep breath before walking down the stairs and coming face to face with people whom she had called her friends. Quinn, Rachel, Puck, Finn, Kurt, and Blaine were all standing in her living room and looked at her like she was the saddest thing they'd ever seen. Finn was the first to make a move and walked slowly in front of Santana. He nodded at her, waiting for a nod back so he could hug her. She finally moved her head and looked at the ground. Finn quickly wrapped her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. It took all she could do not to start crying again. Suddenly everyone joined in. They piled around Santana and engulfed her in a hug. None of them said anything, they just held each other.

"Alright kids…we should probably get going." It was Santana's father this time, Jose. He picked up his car keys and grabbed Maria's hand before walking out the door.

They took two cars. Santana, joined by Quinn, rode with her parents and the rest followed in Kurt's car. It was about an hour's drive to the place where Brittany's parents had decided to bury her. Santana was sure it was a nice place, she just wished she wasn't going for the reason she was. Quinn must have sensed her uneasiness and grabbed the top of her hand. She gave Santana a brief, yet sad smile and then retracted her hand. It's not that Santana didn't love how patient and caring everyone was being, she just didn't feel the same way. Her heart ached but only for Brittany. Her mind wouldn't let her think about caring how the others felt.

They all finally arrived at the place and when Santana got out of the car, she just stood by the door. She wasn't ready for this. How could anyone be? Her father finally came over to her as soon as the others left to join everyone else. "Come on mija…" He offered his arm to her, but she stood her ground and shook her head. "Santana, I know this is hard. But she wouldn't want you like this." His voice was filled with compassion and it was making the will power Santana was using to hold back her tears, nearly impossible to keep. She started to turn and get back in the car, but was stopped by her father hand. He grabbed her arm and pulled her close. At that moment she lost her strength and fell apart right in his arms.

It took her a few minutes, but when she was stable enough, she nodded at her father and then he wrapped his arm around her and they headed towards the group of people. As they walked Jose stroked Santana's arm and kissed her lightly of the side of the head. Jose Lopez was not one for affection, but seeing his daughter like this, completely broken, was tearing him up. He wanted to do anything he could to make her see the light again. He had never really realized how much he loved Santana until three days ago. After seeing what Brittany's parents were going through, he knew he had to improve his relationship with his daughter.

Brittany's parent had always loved Santana like their own. She was considered part of their family, so of course they requested that she sit with them in the front row. When Santana finally appeared, Mr. and Mrs. Pierce got up and hugged her. They all stayed in the embrace together for a while. Mr. Pierce pulled away first, trying to keep some of his composure. Mrs. Pierce kissed Santana on the cheek before finally pulling away and leading them to their seats.

The thing that really stood out was how many people showed up. The crowd was huge. Cars were backed up for a good mile, and the group of people that gathered around the back probably weren't going to be able to even hear the service. It was simply amazing how many lives Brittany Pierce had touched.

When people stopped trickling in, the reverend began his speech, and then said a prayer. When he asked everyone to bow their heads, everyone did. Everyone except Santana. Even though she wasn't religious, that's not why she didn't bow her head. She kept thinking about what Brittany would do if she were here. She'd fall asleep. She always had. Even when they were little and they used to go to church because their parents made them. Santana almost smiled at the thought, but her almost happy thought was taken away by the sight in front of her. She hadn't really had time to look at it. But now that she did, the tears were hastily making their way back. All she wanted to do was open her casket and hug her. One last time, that's all she wanted. To hold her, one last time.

The reverend soon ended the prayer, and now everyone's attention was turned to the actual service. Santana felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to see her father standing behind her. He had a tear rolling down his cheek. Santana had never seen her father cry, not until three days ago when he knocked on her door at two o'clock in the morning.

When the speaking was finished, Rachel and Puck, who brought his guitar, proceeded to sing the song Brittany's parent asked her too. _What hurts the most _by Rascal Flatts. Even though Santana hated country music, something about this song touched her. She connected to all the lyrics.

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house_

_That don't bother me_

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm OK_

_But that's not what gets me_

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

Santana was to overcome by tears and crying at that point to hear the rest of the song. Jose's grip on her shoulder tightened.

When the song ended, the casket started to move. As it was being lowered, people were starting to leave. When it was almost at the bottom, Brittany's parents got up and Finn and Puck helped them get back to their car. Finn said he would drive them back. Brianna, Brittany's little sister, however stayed back for just a minute. She stood over the hole in the ground and then dropped a flower in. It was a daisy. Brittany had always called her that, it was her nickname. She then preceded to walk over to Santana. She hugged her tight and then walked towards the car. Santana might not have reacted, but she appreciated the affection from Brianna. They hadn't really spoken since Brittany and her started dating. It wasn't something she was willing to support, even though she had been Brittany's best friend since she was a baby.

It was clear Santana didn't want to leave. How could she? The love of her life was laying in the bottom of some hole in a big wooden box. And now they were covering it with dirt. With her eyes to tired to cry she just watched, helpless, as her heart was buried. 'I have nothing to live for…" she thought.

Jose and Maria both watched as their daughter sulked over Brittany's grave. They held each other's hands and Jose kissed his wife cheek. "This is going to be rough…I just…I don't know how to make it better. How can anything make this better?" Maria just shook her head.

"Nothing is going to take away this kind of pain Jose. She's never going to stop feeling this. All we can do is be there for her. Listen to her, talk to her. Tell her we love her." Jose pulled his wife in for a hug and then left to get the car. Maria walked over to her daughter.

"It's time to go mija." She grabbed Santana's hand and finally got her to turn around and follow her to the car.

It was quiet on the ride back and Santana was thankful. She didn't want to talk. All she wanted to do was go home and snuggle up next to Brittany's pillow, and wish it was her.

When they reached their house, they all went their separate ways. Jose had to work the night shift, so he got ready for work. Maria decided to make some tea for herself and then maybe sit down and read a book. She agreed that right now Santana just needed time. She would check on her later. Santana went straight upstairs and laid down on her bed. She immediately found the pillow she was craving and rested her head on it. She hadn't bothered with getting undressed or taking her make up off. She just feel into a deep, yet unrestful sleep. She didn't dream, how could she even do that anymore….?

**Please don't hate me! **

**There will be plenty of Brittana fluff in the middle, like with flashbacks and stuff, so just keep reading! **

**The whole point of this story is to convey how time may help the hurt, but love never fades. Just please hang in there!**

**Thank you so much for reading and if you enjoyed or just feel awesome, LEAVE A REVIEW! PLEASE**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I forgot to mention one thing…**

**With the fic, please be patient. It might take a while for it to get to where you guys want it. But I promise it'll be worth the wait.**

**Hope you enjoy! If your sensitive to self-harm, just skip that part.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. And I do not condone any of the following action that take place throughout this chapter. **

_A week later…_

It's now been ten days. Ten days since Santana's world ended. She hadn't left her room since the funeral, but her mother did manage to get her to eat a little something.

Maria was trying to be understanding of Santana's heartbreak, but being her full time care taker was really starting to get to her. She had to do everything for Santana. She's the one who fed her and gave her bathes, and changed her clothes. She was her daughter and she loved her and would do anything for her, but she needed Santana to help her out a little. "I have your lunch mija" Maria was standing in the door way. Santana was laying in her stomach on the bed, she had Brittany's pillow tucked tightly under her arm. Maria walked in and set the plate on her daughter's nightstand. "Come on, sit up" It took a minute but she finally listened and sat up and pushed herself up against her headboard.

Maria took her hand and put it on Santana's leg. Santana looked up at her, and she felt her eyes start to swell again. "Santana, I'm worried about you. You've already lost so much weight. You don't eat, you can't bathe yourself. I have to go back to work at some point, but I'm scared too." Maria took a deep breath. She didn't know what to do for her, it was breaking her heart. "What can I do for you mija? I wish there was something I could do to make this go away…" Santana put her hands over her face.

Santana knew her mom was hurting for her. She felt bad that her mom had to do so much for her, but without her, she knew she'd be in the ground next to Brittany right now. "I'm s-sorry mama…" She felt her mother's arms wrap around her and she fell into the embrace. Maria laid down on the bed next to Santana and just held her. Santana let out more tears. She cried into her mother.

When she stopped, she sat up and looked at her mother who had red eyes as well. "I…I don't know how I'm going to live without her…" Her breath hitched on the last word. She picked at the hem of her sweatshirt, not wanting to cry again. Her mother was starting to get off the bed and this raised her attention.

"Santana. You are so strong. You always have been. I know you loved Brittany, but she wasn't what made you, you. You have to define your own life. Now, more than ever. She'll always be in your heart." Her mother ran her fingers through her hair. "Eat your sandwich and I'll be back up in a little while." Then Maria walked out, leaving the door open.

Santana loved her mother but knew that she had never been more wrong about anything. Brittany was the reason Santana was so strong. She was the reason Santana acted like she did, strong. Brittany defined every single part of her life and now she had nothing but a black canvas. That's what it felt like, a black canvas. Nothing to look forward to, nothing but darkness.

'I can't do this without her…I can't…' she thought to herself as she picked up Brittany's pillow. She brought it to her face and took in a deep breath. Her heart exploded in her chest. It was gone…the smell was gone. It just smelt like Santana's own scent.

Santana got off her bed and shut her door, locking it. She knew she had about an hour before her mother would be back up to check on her. She looked around her room. She remembered her father giving her a pocket knife, now she just had to find it.

/

Normally Jose didn't get off of work until midnight but he decided to take off early and go home to spend time with Santana. He was pulling out of the hospital parking lot when his phone buzzed in her pocket. He pulled it out, hoping it wasn't the hospital calling him back in, and thankfully, it was his wife.

"H-" he was cut short by his wife's screaming.

"Jose, get home now! Santana locked her door and I can't get it open. I think she's trying something…" He hung up and raced out of the parking lot. The hospital was about twenty minutes from his house, but he planned on making it about ten. Luckily, there wasn't a lot of traffic.

He jerked the car to a stop in the middle of his drive way and ran to the door. He didn't cut it off, he knew he might need it to be ready. He quickly made his way up the stairs where he found his wife beating on their daughter's door. He pushed her aside and rammed his shoulder against the door. It didn't budge. He took a couple of steps back and pushed himself forward with all the strength he could muster. The door finally broke off the hinges and they both entered the room. As suspected, Santana wasn't in her room. Jose immediately turned towards the bathroom and tried to open the door, it was locked. There was music coming from the other side and he hoped that she was just taking a bath or something. He only had to ram this door once for it to break open. But before going in he told Maria to stay where she was.

It was unfortunate that Santana hadn't been taking a bath. Jose quickly grabbed a hand towel and ripped in two. He pulled his unconscious daughter out of the tub and place her on the ground. He wrapped the strips of hand towel around each wrist tightly and then checked her pulse. At least her heart was still beating. He picked her up and yelled for Maria. "Maria! Go downstairs and open the car door." As he stepped out of the bathroom, she was still standing there. When she saw her daughter laying limp in her husband's arms, her knees buckled and she screamed into the floor. Jose just ran past her and carried Santana to the car. When he had her in the backseat he grabbed his phone and dialed the hospital. Before he pulled out of the driveway, Maria came running out of the house. She quickly got in the back with Santana.

They arrived at the hospital ten minutes later. Since Jose was a doctor at the hospital, they had an emergency team waiting outside for them. They hastily removed Santana from the car and rushed into the emergency department. Jose and Maria were left outside, holding each other fearing they might soon be dealing with the same pain as the Pierce's.

/

It was two days before Santana finally woke up. The doctors had her under constant watch, and she wasn't allowed any visitors until she woke up. It was a good thing Jose had gotten her to the hospital so quickly. The doctor that took her case said that if he had waited another fifteen minutes she would of died.

Of course, Santana waking up was just the first step of many. It would be a very long time before she could even try to go back to normal. All the doctors tried to convince her parents to put her in a facility, but they refused. Jose had dealt with people that were put in a place like that and they never came out being remotely okay. But what he was most worried about in dealing with that, was the resentment Santana would have for being put in a mental hospital.

When Santana opened her eyes the first thing she saw was a nurse, sleeping in the corner of the room. The first thing she felt was shame. It was hitting her that she tried to kill herself. Then she remembered why… The pain that had temporarily gone away was now back, just as bad as it had been. When she tried to sit up, the nurse woke up and immediately rushed out of the room. A minute later, a doctor and her parents were by her bed. The doctor asked her a few question and she responded blankly. When he was finished examining her, he gave her parents ten minutes.

Her father and mother both had blood shot and tear filled eyes. They looked like they hadn't slept in days. Jose sat down in the chair next to her bed, while her mother crawled up next to her. Her heart nearly stopped as she felt her father sob into her side. Her mother kissed her cheek and head. She started crying and Santana just felt helpless.

"Mija, oh my sweet Santana…I'm so glad you're okay. You scared us so bad." Her mother's voice was quiet and Santana knew that she was trying to be mad. "How could you do such a thing?" Now her father sat up.

"Santana, what were you thinking?" he looked into her eyes, searching for an answer, desperately.

Santana's throat was like a desert and she doesn't know how she managed but she finally spoke. "I….I-I don't know" her voice was barely audible and her mother handed her a cup of water. She gulped it down and then just stared at the cup. She knew her real answer: If I can't live with Brittany, then I have nothing to live for. But she knew her parents wouldn't approve of that answer. Even though they knew that her attempt had everything to do with Brittany.

The nurse came in after a few minutes of awkward silence and told Santana's parents that they had to leave. They each kissed her cheek and then walked out of the door.

Over the next couple of days, Santana was kept under constant watch. There was an attendant in her room at all times. It would have been really uncomfortable, but luckily she was allowed visitors. They could only stay a few minutes, but it was better than nothing. On the first day they were allowed, everyone came to see her. Rachel was first, then Finn, Kurt, Blaine, and Quinn followed. All of them gave her words of encouragement and some said they were praying for her.

After a week in the hospital, Santana was finally discharged. Her release came with a few conditions though. She had to attend meetings at some church with other people who had attempted to take their lives. She had to attend therapy at least four times a week, until the doctor said otherwise. The doctors also advised that she have no form of social interaction via computer or phone, so her parents had taken her computer and her phone. When she got home her room had been stripped. She didn't have a door, and the only piece of furniture that remain was her bed. Her closet had been cleared out and when she asked where all her stuff was, her parents told her that they had most of it in the basement. If she needed something, they would go get it for her.

It hurt that they couldn't trust her anymore, but 'that's what I get' she thought to herself. She sat down on the edge of her bed and searched for the pillow. It was gone…

"Where is it?" she got up and marched over to her mother who was standing in the door way. "Where is it mama?"

Maria shook her head "Santana, we….you don't need it baby. It's not her." She could see the anger boiling in Santana's eyes.

"That was the only thing I had left…" She voice cracked and she was shaking from the anger that was arising in her.

"Santana, it's just a pillow. You don't need it to remember her." She mother stood her ground, but Santana wasn't backing down. "Calm down Santana"

"You want me to calm down. You take Brittany's pillow and now you're hiding it from me. And you want me to be calm" Santana stood right at eye level with her mother, her fists clenched.

Maria just turned around and walked out. She didn't want to upset Santana any more than she already had. The doctors said this would happen. That she would go through the five stages. Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining (the what if stage), Depression, and Acceptance. Right now Santana was angry. Her doctor recommend that she just be left alone in times like this. Even though she didn't want to leave her unsupervised, Maria went downstairs.

Jose was sitting at the bar in the kitchen looking at the mail. Maria sat next to him and leaned on him. "She missing the pillow…" Jose stopped reading the paper in his hand and his head dropped.

"We are just going to have to be patient Maria." He got up and went into his study.

Santana sat up in her room and cried. One decision had taken everything away from her. She wasn't thinking about her room or even the pillow any more. She was thinking about Brittany. She was taken away from her because of someone else's stupidity and lack of good decision making. It wasn't fair and the more Santana thought about it, the angrier she got.

**Okay so this chapter was really hard to write. I know it's really dark right now, but it'll get better. I have to lay out this foundation before I can continue. If any of this offended anyone, I'm truly sorry. **

**Please review! And stay tune for the next chapter!**

**Thank you for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay so I'm not getting a lot of response. Please leave a review!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. But I wish I did….**

Quinn, Finn, Rachel, and Kurt all sat at a table inside Lima's coffee shop, the Lima Bean. They hadn't really talked much since Brittany's funeral, except when they were at the hospital for Santana.

"Have any of you heard from Santana?" Finn asked picking at his coffee up lid.

"I called her house yesterday and her mom answered. They're not letting her use phones or computers. It's part of her rehab. But she said the she was doing okay. At least she's eating a little now." Quinn sighed as she finished. A part of her wanted to go visit Santana because she was one of her best friends, but she was still upset at Santana's attempt.

"Did you guys hear that they finally arrested him…?" Rachel said quietly as she grabbed Finn's hand.

Everyone else at the table jut stayed quiet but nodded their heads. Nobody knew what to say.

"He must have been released from the hospital then..." Kurt's words came out filled with hatred.

"Well it has been three weeks. He was bound to get out sooner or later. I'm just glad they took him straight to jail." Finn's tone came out dry.

"I hope he rots in prison. He deserves too." Kurt spit the words out and all his friends looked at him with disapproving faces. "Oh don't give me that. You guys are thinking the same thing. He needs to pay for what he did. For what he took. From all of us."

Even though they weren't going to say it, everyone at the table was thinking the same thing. Robert James deserved to pay for killing their friend.

/

Santana sat very uncomfortably across for the therapist that her doctor was making her visit four times a week. This was her first visit and it was becoming increasingly difficult to not walk out.

"Santana, you know this whole thing isn't going to work if you don't talk to me." Santana smirked and shook her head. "You know, you might find it relieving if you just talk" Dr. Means pressured.

"You might find it relieving if you just let me go." Dr. Mean scribbled something on her pad. _Anger_.

"How about we try this? Why don't you start by telling me a little about yourself? That way I can get to know you better." Dr. Means took off her glasses and put them on the table beside her. Santana just looked out of the window. _There was no point in all this_, she thought. _I'm hopeless_.

"Fine…you wanna get to know me. My name is Santana Maria Lopez. I'm eighteen years old and I have nothing planned for my future. All my plans are buried in a cemetery about an hour from here." She crossed her arms in front of her.

"Okay well let's talk about that. What plans?" Dr. Means already knew what had happened, she knew about Brittany. A least as much as a police report could give her.

"They don't matter now…nothing does. God, are you stupid or something? Those plans are why I tried to kill myself" Santana's face was turning red and her blood pressure was rising.

"I'm aware Santana. Of what happened to you, and Brittany Pierce." Dr. Means immediately regretted her decision to mention Brittany. It was only their first session. She could see the young Latina's blood boiling.

"You know nothing of what happened to me, or Brittany. Don't you dare talk about her like you know her!" She stood up. "Because you don't. Talk about me all day long, but you will not mention her" After she finished, she walked out. Her mother was waiting outside the room, and when Santana came storming out she grabbed her arm. "Santana, where do you think you're going?" Santana pulled away and continued out of the office.

Dr. Means came out her office as Maria was about to enter. "Oh, Mrs. Lopez. I'm sorry." She backed up and allowed her into her office.

Maria didn't sit down when Mr. Means offered. "Should I go find her?" She point towards the door.

"I wouldn't worry, she's in your car." She pointed toward the window.

"What happened?" Maria was a little frustrated. She didn't want her daughter upset if she didn't need to be.

"Please sit Mrs. Lopez." She gestured towards the chair in front of her desk. "Mrs. Lopez, your daughter is going through a really difficult time right now. Her head is having trouble processing all that's happened. With Brittany's death, with her suicide attempt, with grieving. Right now she feels angry which is completely normal. After what she's lost and how she lost it, she has every right to be." The doctor paused and Maria nodded her head in understanding.

"Dr. Means. I want to make something very clear. You seem like you know what you're doing…but if you ever make my daughter run out like that again. We won't be back. You're right, she's angry. She lost something that meant the world to her. I just need to know that you'll be able to help her." Maria pushed her hair back.

"I can assure you I'm going to do everything in my power to try to help Santana. Her outburst was my fault. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned what I did earlier. For that I apologize. Please tell her that." She stood up and Maria followed. They shook hands and Maria saw herself out.

When she reached her car, Santana was sitting in the passenger seat, seething. Maria got in and began the drive home.

"Santana, you know she's just trying to help" Santana looked at her mother. How could she be taking the stupid shrink's advice?

"She needs to mind her own damn business. She has no right to talk about Brittany." Santana stopped herself. It was the first time she had said her name in three weeks. Well she had said it in the doctor's office, but she was too angry to realize it. She felt like she was doing something wrong. Like saying her name wasn't allowed. She didn't know if that feeling would ever go away.

"Mija, that's her job. She's there to listen to whatever you have to say. She only wants to help you. You have to stop being so defensive and talk to someone." Maria knew Santana would have a problem with this. She was always defensive. She had always acted like a bitch because that was her only defense against the world. The only person that had managed to get past that part of her daughter was gone now. Maria wondered if she would ever see the non-bitchy side of Santana again. "Just promise me you'll try. She told me she was sorry about earlier."

Santana thought about it. She didn't want to. But after what she had put her parents through, she figured she owed them. "Fine, I'll try." She sighed and leaned her head against the window.

When they got home, a certain blonde was sitting of the front steps. Santana's throat went dry and she practically dove out of the car. She ran to the steps, but stopped dead in her tracks when she realized it was only Quinn. "Hey Santana…" Santana just stood there. She tried to smile and Quinn recognized her effort. She stepped towards her and attempted to give her a hug. Santana let her hug her, but didn't return it. "Hi Mrs. Lopez" Maria smiled. She was glad Quinn was here. Maybe she could get Santana out of the house for a while.

"Hello Quinn. Here to see Santana?" She continued to unlock the door and stood aside so the girls could walk through.

"Yeah, but only if that's okay. I know-" she was cut off by Maria's hand.

"Say no more. I'm glad you're here. Maybe you two could go off for a while. Maybe a walk. Santana how does that sound?" Santana was looking at the ground, her mind a million miles from earth. "Santana" Maria snapped. Her head popped up and she nodded. Quinn took her arm and led her back out of the house.

They walked in silence for a little while before Quinn spoke up. "So, I heard you had your first session today. How did it go?" Quinn looked over and Santana was looking at the ground.

"I don't wanna talk about it" Santana continued staring at the ground, but feeling Quinn glare she finally raised her eyes. Quinn looked at her like she was a homeless puppy or something. "Don't look at me like that…" Quinn pulled her eyes away and sighed.

"Like what?" Quinn wanted to know what Santana's problem was with the look she was giving her.

"Like I'm a charity case. I'm fine." Quinn stopped walking and Santana took a couple of steps before stopping and turning to face her. "What?"

"Santana you're far from fine. You're not even on the same planet as fine." She took a couple of steps towards her friend. "We've been friends for a long time. It hurts to see you this way Santana. No, you're not a charity case, but I am worried about you." Quinn put her hand on Santana's shoulder and she looked up at her. "You know you can talk to me"

Santana wanted to talk to Quinn. About everything she was feeling, but she just couldn't. She felt like if she did everything would go numb. Sure she didn't want to feel this pain anymore, but feeling the pain is better than nothing. A question did pop into her head though, "Did they arrest him?"

Quinn swallowed hard. She knew she should avoid the answer to this question, but the way Santana pleaded it, she couldn't keep it from her. "This morning actually" Santana faced back towards her house and started walking. Quinn quickly caught up. She looped her arm through Santana's and they walked back without saying anything else.

Quinn stopped outside of Santana front door and stared at her friend for a minute. Santana spoke first surprisingly. "Thank you" Quinn stepped forward and gave her a brief hug. "Anytime Santana. Just give me a call. Ohh wait, I forgot. Well, how about this? I'll come see you every Friday afternoon. Same time as today." Santana nodded and Quinn walked hesitantly towards her car.

Her friend would never be the same. She would have to get used to that idea because she kind of missed bitchy Santana. But she knew she would do whatever it took to help her.

/

Later that night Santana laid in bed and thought about the answer Quinn had given her. She was sure it had all been on the news, but since her parents practically cut her off from all technology, she hadn't been able to see. Never the less she was satisfied that the bastard was behind bars. He deserved much worse. But she stopped herself as she felt the tears building. She pushed the thought out of her head and went into her bathroom. She opened her medicine cabinet and popped two of the pills the doctor prescribed. They were to help her sleep. She needed them, and luckily they did help.

She laid back down and soon fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

**Okay so please review! I know this story is going to be slow, but I need support to continue it, so please Review. **

**And make sure to check out my other fic I recently finished, **_**Nothing Else Matters**_**. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Still no response, but I'm not giving up! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. **

"How are you feeling today Santana?" Dr. Means looked at the girl sitting across from her. She refused to make eye contact.

Santana picked at a loose string on the chair she was sitting in. "As good as I can be I guess. I mean I haven't tried to kill myself again. How are you doc?" Her voice was laced with sarcasm.

"We are not here to talk about me Santana. You know we've been at this for two weeks now. The longer you hide yourself, the longer I have to report that you're not making progress, which means you just have to see me more." It was true. The longer she refused to talk, the longer she would have to come see her. "Why don't we try this? Tell me a fear you have."

The young Latina pondered for a minute. The doc was right, if she wanted out, she would have to force herself through this part of her rehab. She was plenty good at faking.

"You only want one?" Dr. Means quirked an eyebrow. Was she responding?

"No, you can tell me about all and any you have Santana." Santana cleared her throat. She had always been good at lying, but she honestly couldn't come up with anything right now. _Damn_, she thought, _I'm going to have to tell her something._ Dr. Means sensed her hesitation.

"You know, lying isn't going to help you. Just tell the truth Santana." Santana felt dumbfounded, how had she known she was planning on lying. "I'm a doctor that specializes in this kind of thing. I'm not stupid."

"I didn't say you were…" Santana pushed her hair back. She questioned whether or not to just spill. She wondered if it would really help her. "Look, Means…I'm a bitch. It's just that simple. I build walls around myself because I'm scared. More now than ever. Of everything. How am I supposed to move on without her?" She felt a pain in her chest. She rubbed her forehead, afraid she said too much.

Dr. Means marveled at what just happened, she made a break through. "A lot of people feel the same kind of fear when they lose someone they love. What you have to remember is what you had together. You have to find yourself without them and that's scary, but it's an important step." Dr. Means stopped and wrote in her notepad.

Santana didn't even feel the wall come down, but soon she was talking openly to Dr. Means.

"Everything I ever did was for her, with her, because of her. She was my everything. When she left my house that night, I…I didn't know I would never see her again." She felt the salt water building in her eyes. _Keep it together Lopez_, she thought to herself.

"We never know what going to happen next in our lives. All we can do is live life the best we can." She handed Santana a tissue, she knew she was close to a breakdown.

"It's my fault…" Her words struck the doctor like lightening. She had heard this numerous times before, but hearing it from someone as innocent as Santana, it was surprising.

"Santana, Brittany's accident was not your fault. You're not the one to blame for her death." Santana started to cry and Dr. Means wanted to comfort her, but remained professional.

"Y-yes I am. I tried to get her to spend the night…" she said between sobs "b-b-ut she wouldn't. I d-didn't try hard enough though." She put her head in her hands and sobbed.

Dr. Means let her be for the rest of the session. When Santana finally calmed down, she walked her outside to her mother. Maria saw Santana's red eyes and looked at Dr. Means in confusion. She quickly reassured her "She did well today." She helped Santana in the car and then walked back inside.

Maria and Santana drove home in silence. Santana looked out of the window for the whole trip. She felt surprisingly relieved. She got off her chest what she had been carrying around since that night. It hadn't taken away the pain, but it felt good to talk about it.

When they arrived home, Quinn was waiting on the front porch as usual. Her and Santana had become pretty close over the past two weeks, and Quinn was thankful that she was letting her in.

They went on their usual walk and then Quinn headed home. Santana didn't talk today, but it was okay.

Santana went straight to her room. She fell on her bed and went immediately to sleep. Only this time, she had a dream.

_She was standing in the middle of the street. She looked around her, she knew this location. No, no, no! She couldn't be here. She couldn't be. She didn't want to be. 'Wake up! Please just wake up', she actually said out loud. _

_Then she saw her car. It was about a quarter of a mile ahead of her, but she knew it was Brittany's. She started running towards it. She was going to try and stop her. Not feeling a bit winded by sprinting, Santana ran as fast as she could. She rapidly approached the car, but without stopping, it just passed right through her. She yelled and ran after it "Brittany! Stop! Stop the car! Brittany!" She continued to call her name but her car wasn't slowing and neither were Santana's legs. Granted the car was a lot faster, but Santana kept up. She felt like she was floating. _

_Brittany's car finally stopped at the red light Santana had been standing under when she first started. Santana cautiously approached the driver's window. There she was. Brittany. Her Brittany. She was smiling and tapping her hands on the wheel. She was listening to the CD Santana had made her their junior year. She looked so cute, so innocent. Santana started beating on the window, desperate to get her attention. She tried to open the door, but couldn't. Brittany was right there and she couldn't do anything. _

_Suddenly she heard a squealing sound. She turned around and looked across the other part of the intersection. It was him. No no no no no. Santana started hammering on the window again. She felt sobs choking her and she feel to the ground as the light Brittany was waiting on turned green. The car pulled forward slowly. When it reached the middle of the road, the other car did too. _

_There was a loud bang. Brittany's car was thrown and landed upside down. The other car was crushed and Santana noticed a flame creeping in the hood. _

_Before she knew it she was running towards the accident screaming Brittany's name. But the faster and harder she ran, the farther the accident got. It was like she was running away, but she knew she was running towards it. _

_She suddenly heard her mother voice, "Santana it's okay baby. Wake up. Wake up"_

When Santana opened her eyes. Her mother was sitting next to her on her bed, stoking her back. Santana's throat was dry and it hurt. She sat up and realized it was a dream. Just a dream. But it had felt so real.

"Nightmare?" Her mother's voice was lite and gentle. It was comforting.

"Yeah…I guess so." It wasn't really a nightmare, it had been a personal hell. She rubbed her eyes and felt how wet they were. She had been crying, a lot.

"You wanna talk about it?" Her mother was still rubbing her back.

"No…not really." She gave her mother a reassuring glance and she got up. Maria looked down at her daughter.

"Well if you do, I'm here okay?" She handed Santana her pills and she took them. Santana knew she would never go to sleep without them again. She glanced at the clock, it was nine o'clock. She had slept almost six hours but she was still exhausted. "Goodnight mija, I love you" Maria leaned down and kissed her forehead. She didn't wait for a response, she knew she wouldn't get one.

Santana got up and went into her bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water and decided to take a shower. It had always made her feel better.

She just stood under the water for the longest time. Letting it wash away the tears. She wished they made a shower that could take away this pain in her chest.

The thing she longed for the most was Brittany's touch. There was something about her touch that made Santana feel like she was on cloud nine. Like there was electricity running through her. It had always been gentle but explosive. Suddenly she felt her body shake and she fell to the shower floor. She cried and just the water wash over her.

After a while she got out and got herself dressed in a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt. She got in bed, and tried to go straight to sleep. The pills were really starting to work. But she questioned herself for a brief moment. 'What if I had gotten her to stay? What if she hadn't been listening to that stupid CD? Would she have heard his car coming?'

She realized she may never know the answers but she would try her best to get them.

**Okay, so it's picking up right? Slowly but surely!**

**Please review! Please, please, please!**

**Hope you enjoyed.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you for the one review I got! Keep them coming please. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. **

_Santana found herself in the middle of the road again. She saw Brittany's car approaching the intersection. She didn't run at, she just stayed where she was. Brittany's car stopped. She walked over to the driver's side for the millionth time it felt like. Brittany was listening to the same song as she had been all the other times Santana had this dream. Santana still tried to open the door, but couldn't. All she could do was watch as Brittany pulled away and got hit by the other car. Santana could never approach the accident. She didn't try anymore. _

_But something different was happening. She glanced towards the wreck and saw a certain blonde crawling out of her car. Santana stood up. Without knowing it, she started running. Only this time, her body was actually reaching the site. _

_Brittany was standing back from her car and stretching her back. She turned around and met a very confused Latina. "Santana, what are you doing here?" she shuddered at her voice. It was Brittany's voice. Hell, it was Brittany. Perfect as ever. She looked exactly like she had before she left._

"_B-Brittany…" before she knew she fell into the blonde. She felt her girlfriend's arms engulf her and she lost all feeling in her legs. She felt Brittany press a kiss to her forehead. _

"_Wake up Santana." Brittany's voice was dry. Santana shook her head violently and pulled back but didn't let go. _

"_I'm not leaving you. I'm never letting go of you. Never. I miss you so much. I love you so much" she nuzzled back into Brittany's neck. _

"_Santana, it's not real. This isn't real. Just wake up…" she lifted the brunettes chin. "I love you too"_

_Then she was gone. Santana screamed. This couldn't be happening. No…_

Santana gasped awake. She was covered in sweat and her eyes were soaked with tears. She ran her hand through her hair. The pills weren't keeping the dream away anymore. They were only getting more involved. This one had been the worst though.

She tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't. She just kept picturing Brittany. She could still feel her. Even though it was just a dream, it felt so real.

/

_Two months later_

Santana was still having to see Dr. Means, but a least the church meetings and doctors' visits had stopped. She actually kind of liked talking to Dr. Means. It made her feel better. To talk. Some days she would boldly refuse, but the next she would be crying by the end. Today she didn't really know how she felt. Today was three months.

"Santana. Are you feeling okay? You seem…distracted." Dr. Means questioned and it snapped Santana's attention back.

"Sorry. I guess I am. Today's umm…" she stuttered and looked away.

"I know. Today's three months. But instead of sulking, let's do something different. I think you're ready for this Santana. I want you to tell me about the first time you met her." Dr. Means was pushing it, but she didn't regret it. She knew Santana was ready.

Santana took a deep breath and decided to give in.

_Twelve years ago_

_Santana held her mother's hand as she walked her to the bus stop. It was her first day of kindergarten but she wasn't nervous. She was raised to be fearless. Her mother kissed her goodbye and she climbed onto the bus. _

_She pushed herself towards the middle and sat in a seat by herself. The bus wasn't that crowded, it still had a few stops to make. _

_By the last stop the bus was almost full, but Santana's seat still remained with just her presence. When the doors opened she watched as a group of kids piled on. But one in particular caught her attention. She was blonde and was wearing a sundress that was blue and yellow. It made her eyes sparkle. _

_She noticed her looking at her and smiled. Santana didn't mind if this girl sat next to her. She scooted over, but after a sec the girl wasn't there. Santana peered over the seat and found the boys in the seats towards the front had tripped her. They were all laughing at her. _

_Santana felt the anger boiling in her blood. She stood up and walked up to the front. The bus was moving but she didn't care. When she reached the girl, she helped her stand up. She heard the girl whisper a quiet 'Thank you'._

"_Well aren't you just Ms. Superwoman huh?" the boy that tripped the little blonde teased. Santana pulled back her fist and let it fly. The boy cried out as her fist made contact with his nose. She pulled back and his nose started to bleed._

_Santana smirked and led the blonde girl back to their seat. When they sat down, Santana stuck out her hand. "I'm Santana Lopez." The blonde took it and smiled. "I'm Brittany Pierce"._

_Santana returned the smile and they just looked at each other. Santana knew this girl was going to be her best friend. "They won't mess with you again. I promise." She reached over and grabbed Brittany's pinky and held it with her own. _

"_Thanks Santana" she blushed shyly. _

_They held each other's pinky's for the rest of the bus ride. Neither of them had a desire to pull away. _

Santana grabbed a tissue from the coffee table in front of her. She wiped her eyes and fiddled with the tissue on her lap.

"It's very uncommon to have that kind of connection with someone that early in life. I'm glad you found that Santana." Dr. Means was so proud of this young Latina sitting in front of her.

"Yeah well I don't have it anymore…" the doctor shook her head. Santana just took two steps backward.

"I think we're done for today." She stood up and put her notebook on her desk. Santana remained seated.

"I still have a half an hour left." Was she asking to stay? Dr. Means quickly returned to her seat.

"Okay. Then move forward Santana not back." Santana knew what she meant. Have a positive attitude. Something she was never good at. "Why don't you tell me something else about Brittany? Anything you want? Maybe something you miss?"

Santana swallowed hard but the lump in her throat wouldn't go away. "I miss everything. Her smile, her laugh, her touch…" For the first time Santana let herself remember Brittany's smile and laugh. "And those eyes. She could get me to do anything just by doing that stupid pout of her." She almost smiled at the thought.

Dr. Means was so incredibly surprised that Santana was opening up like this. She sat and let the girl tell her all about how Brittany had convinced her to jump off of a roof at some cheerleading camp. She chuckled at the end and she saw Santana crack a smile.

/

Santana met her mother outside and they drove home. Her and the older Latina didn't really talk. They hadn't talk much since Santana started middle school. Santana found comfort in her friends and Brittany more than her parents. Maria wished Santana confided in her more, especially now that Britt was gone.

When they got home they went inside and Santana went upstairs. Maria knew today was a difficult day and decided not to bother her daughter.

Santana went upstairs and pulled put a box from under her bed. Her parents had left it, assuming there was nothing dangerous inside. She set in on her bed and sat behind it. Her hand rubbed to top, debating whether or not she should open it. Then they found the edges and slid the top off.

The sight took Santana's breath away, but she didn't close the box. She dipped her hand in and pulled out a book. A scrap book. The one Brittany had given her as a gift earlier that summer. She stroked the top and just looked at the cover. _Our Story_, was printed on the cover in Britt's handwriting.

She finally opened it. The first page was a picture of them when they were six. They were standing next to each other smiling, pinky's linked together.

Santana's thumb rubbed over their former self's and she read the description under the picture.

_Best Friends since Forever_

She stared over the handwriting. She still thought it was adorable that Brittany put hearts over all of her I's. She always had.

Santana closed the book, and put it back in the box before sliding it back under her bed. It was enough for today. She was overwhelmed. She starting crying. Her chest ached and just when she thought she was okay she screamed out. She went from a little smile at the doctors' office to screaming and crying hysterically.

Maria heard her daughter screaming and ran up the stairs and threw herself into Santana's room. She walked over to the bed and pulled her into her side. She held her and let her cry out.

"I miss her so much mama…" Santana managed between weeps. Maria just stroked her hair and back. "I know mija…shhh"

They stayed that way for a long time, and eventually Santana feel asleep. Maria didn't want to wake her up so she rested her head on top of her daughters and feel asleep.

**Okay, so a little Brittana action is always nice right! Well there more to come so stay tuned! It may be a while be I update! You know I actually do have a life and stuff!**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed! If you did please follow, favorite and REVIEW! PLEASE!**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you for the one person who is finally leaving reviews! I really do appreciate it and love the response. PLEASE REVIEW!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee. If I did…well let's just not go there ha-ha.**

"So Santana, how are you feeling today?" It was question Dr. Means started every session with. Santana answered the same every time.

"Good as I can be I guess…" She sighed and looked out of the window. It was a beautiful day outside. These were the worst for Santana. On a day like today, Brittany would always take her out for a picnic or they would go to the lake (summers only). Brittany hated staying inside when it was nice outside.

Dr. Means noticed Santana's longing and decided to question her about it.

"It's a nice day out…" Santana nodded slightly, still looking away. "Would you like to go outside for our time today?"

"No…" her voice was sharp. The last thing she wanted to do was go outside and walk around with someone other than Brittany.

"Can I ask why?" Dr. Means put on her glasses and started writing. Santana rolled her eyes.

"Brittany used to love days like this…she would always come get me out of class and we would sneak out of school. She would take me back to her house and then we would hang out there and swim or she would make us lunch and then we would have a picnic in the park." A tear dropped from the corner of her eyes and she brushed it away and gave a light smile.

"Tell me a time like today that you remember. A specific outing the two of you had" Dr. Means put her notebook down on the coffee table and pick up her bottle of water. "Maybe your first picnic?" she added as she saw Santana debating.

The young Latina took a deep breath and started…

_Santana was in Mrs. Kelsey's algebra one class. It was her freshman year, but she didn't have to worry about much. She was a cheerio and her social status was at the top. So as she sat in class, passing notes to Quinn, she noticed blonde hair through the window in the door. She smiled sweetly when she saw Brittany's blue eyes. _

_Brittany opened the door and walked in. She was wearing her cheerios uniform and Santana couldn't help but stare. Brittany noticed and gave her a wink and a smile before walking up to the teacher's desk. She briefly stated something and then the teacher wrote a pass and handed it to Brittany. _

"_Santana, Coach Sylvester wants to see you. Remember to do chapter five questions for homework." She turned back to her work and Santana got up and walked out with Brittany. _

_Once they were outside of the door Santana noticed Brittany was being unusually jumpy. She wasn't nervous, she was just really happy. "So what does coach want?" Brittany linked her arm with Santana's and smiled at her. _

"_Nothing. I just said that to get you out of class." Santana stopped and grabbed Brittany's hand. _

"_Brittany I'm a total badass myself, but we can't cut. Its only second period." She crossed her arms in front of her chest. _

"_Have you seen outside today Santana? It's beautiful and I'm not going to spend the rest of the day inside. We'll just come back for cheer practice after we're done with our picnic." Santana smiled and shook her head. Sure Brittany wasn't the smartest person, but she was always thoughtful. The linked their pinkies and headed out of the school. They had to leave through the courtyard, it was the only place that had no security and no people at that time. _

"_Uh Britt, how are we gonna get out of here if we can't drive yet?" Brittany whirled around, obviously upset that she doubted her plan. _

"_My brother is coming to pick us up thank you very much. I talked to him about it this morning." Now Brittany took Santana's defensive stance and it brought a smile to the Latina's face. Just as Santana was about to comment, Brittany waved and when she turned around Brittany's brother was pulling up at the curb. They ran towards the car and got in. _

_Brittany's brother was nineteen. He joined the army and was on leave for the next week. Brittany and him were really close. "Sup chicas. Where to?" Santana looked over at Brittany who replied with a simple "home". Since they were in the back seat together, Brittany reached over and grabbed Santana's hand and entertained her fingers with the slightly darker ones. Santana's heart leap. She didn't know why she felt this way, Brittany was her very best friend. She shouldn't want to kiss and touch her best friend like she was wanting to right now, right?_

_They finally got back to the Pierce residence and Brandon parked the car, letting the two girls out. "Wait, where is he going?" Santana questioned Brittany as her brother pulled back out of the driveway. They walked up to front door and the blonde pulled out her keys. "He said this morning that he had something to do in town. He won't be back until later tonight. And my parents had that relationship camp revival thing this week, so it's just me and you for a while." Brittany winked as she opened the door and went inside. _

_They went straight upstairs and Brittany let Santana use one of her bikinis. They changed out and went outside to Brittany's pool. Both girls swam for a little bit and then got out and laid on the lounge chairs. They talked and laughed and gossiped. Santana was glad that Brittany had thought of doing this and she was right, it was a beautiful day. _

"_You want something for lunch?" Brittany sat up and looked over at the Latina's chair. Santana sat up and smiled, "Sure". _

_They went inside and Brittany fixed them each a salad. After they were finished Santana did the dishes. She wasn't happy about it, but she'd do just about anything for Brittany. When she finished, she turned around and Brittany was gone. She called her name a couple of times and heard a reply from upstairs. She followed the angelic voice and it led her to Brittany's room. The blonde was still dressed in her bikini and she held in her hand a Polaroid camera. Santana winced as she was blinded by the flash of light. Brittany pulled out the piece of paper and waved it in the air. Santana played along and charged towards her. She pushed Brittany back on the bed and straddled her. Brittany started tickling Santana's thighs but she didn't let up. Santana pinned her arms and retrieved the photo. She would never admit it, but she looked pretty hot. _

_She leaned down closer to Brittany. Her face was just inches from the blondes. Her heart was racing and almost exploded as Brittany blushed and bit her bottom lip. Santana glanced at the clock sitting on Brittany's nightstand. 3:00. They needed to go if they were going to make cheer practice. _

_Santana looked down at the blonde beneath her "We should go…" she started to get off the bed, but felt a hand grip her waist, holding her in place. _

"_I'm sure we can skip one practice…" Brittany moved her hand up Santana's back and pulled her down. Their lips connected and soon so did their tongues. Their need to feel more of each other increased and their hands started roaming and exploring each other. When Brittany's hand firmly groped Santana's breast she moaned and moved her kisses to Brittany's neck. _

_Santana was feeling things she had never felt before. Sure she had lost her virginity in the seventh grade but she didn't react like she was right now to every touch, every kiss. It was driving her crazy, but she decided it was a good feeling. _

"_Brittany…I….we…can't." She pushed herself up and sat on the edge of the bed. She felt Brittany's hand stroking her back. She stood up and walked away from the bed and looked at the sad blonde sitting it. _

"_I'm sorry…" Brittany shook her head. Santana felt bad, it wasn't her fault._

"_Britt trust me when I say I want to. Believe me…I want to. But I'm scared of the aftermath. You're my best friend and I don't want to ruin that." Brittany put her hand on Santana's._

"_Santana…you don't need to worry about what anyone thinks. It'll be our secret. I promise." She linked their pinkies together and kissed Santana's neck. She was always in Santana's head, and the Latina loved that someone knew her that well. _

"_Fine, but it's just sex. That's it Britt." Brittany nodded while placing a spot on Santana's collarbone, she moaned and positioned herself on top of Brittany again. _

_After they experimented with each other and finished, Santana put on her uniform and stood by the door. Brittany had fallen asleep. She looked so peaceful. So beautiful. Santana wanted to stay and just hold her, but she couldn't. Something in the back on her mind was telling her to just go home, so that's what she did. Her mother had always told her to follow her head not her heart._

_She called her mother when she turned the corner of Brittany's street and she came and picked her up. Her mother didn't question her, she just asked her how her day was and told her what was for dinner. _

Dr. Means took a deep breath. She thought it was amazing how Santana remembered the much detail. Love is usually an emotion that makes a person lose concentration, but not in this case.

Santana broke down again and Dr. Means waited for her to calm down before helping her get into her car with her mother.

Maria shook the doctor's hand and went to comfort her daughter. She hated that Santana was crying at the end of every session now, but Dr. Means told her every time that she was doing great, and Santana wasn't complaining after.

/

Santana was emotional drained after her session and totally forgot it was Friday. As usual Quinn was sitting on her front steps when they got home. She stood up and waited for the two Latina's to approach the house.

"Hello Quinn. How are you today?" Maria asked as she unlocked the door and ushered the two younger girls inside.

"I'm good Mrs. Lopez. How are you?" Maria just shook her head and nodded towards Santana who was headed upstairs.

"She had a rough session today. Maybe you can talk to her. I'm out of things to say. She has nightmares every night and wakes up screaming. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been four months and she hasn't left the house for anything other than her appointments. Her doctor says she's in the fourth stage. Depression. I just…I don't know what else to do." Quinn stood awkwardly across from Maria who was now wiping a tear away. Quinn stepped forward and gave her a light hug, then she turned and went upstairs.

She entered Santana's room and found her sitting on her bed with a box. Her hand fumbled with the lid and eventually removed it.

"What's that?" Santana's head popped up. She had been so absorbed in what she had been doing that she hadn't heard Quinn coming.

"None of your business Fabrey." Santana put the lid back on the box and threw it off the bed. She buried her face in a pillow and laid down. Quinn sat on the edge of the bed.

"Your mom told me today was rough? You wanna talk about it…" Santana looked up and gave Quinn a death stare, but she didn't back down. "She also told me you've been having nightmares."

"Yes Quinn. I had a bad day. And yes I have nightmares. It's my life now. Every day I wake up to a bad day and every night I go to bed to a nightmare." Santana was hoping this would just make her stop but Quinn persisted.

"What are your dreams about?" Quinn sighed. She was going to get an answer.

"What do you think?" Quinn smirked and stood up. She had played the whole sympathetic card with Santana but now her attitude towards everything was just getting on her nerves.

"Look Santana. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. Grow up. Yes you lost someone you loved deeply. Yes she was killed in a tragic way and you didn't get to say good bye. But you have to get this through your head. You're not the only one who lost her. We all did. Me, you, her parents, your parents, all our friends." Quinn paused and sighed. "I love you Santana. You're my friend. You have been since fifth grade, but I can't take seeing you like this. And I know Brittany wouldn't want you to be like this. She would want you to go out and enjoy the rest of your life for her. You know that she hated stuff like this. Even if she was having a bad day, she made the best of it. And I think that's what you should do, for her." Santana started crying and Quinn sat down and put her hand on her knee. She leaned in and kissed her forehead and then got up and left.

When she got in her car, she couldn't hold it back anymore. The tears started flowing and she just sat there and let them.

/

What Quinn said was really hitting home with Santana. She knew she was being selfish with her feelings, but that was the way she had always been with Brittany. Selfish. Once she had gotten Brittany for real, she thought that's what she had to do. It's what she needed to do. And now that this part of Brittany (her death) was for everyone, she had to let go a little. She had to give back all that Brittany had given her. She knew now that she had to make herself better for Brittany.

**Thank you for reading! This is the longest chapter so far and it took a lot to write. And from now on I'll probably be publishing every Wednesday and on the weekends. My schedule is getting crazy again and I don't have time every day. **

**Hope you enjoyed, if you did please favorite, follow and REVIEW! PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the hiatus! Life's been crazy busy. But without further or due, Chapter 7!**

Kurt, Blaine, Rachel, Finn, and Quinn all sat in the living room at the Pierce house waiting for Mrs. Pierce to come back. They started coming over once a week to just check in and give her some company, especially since Mr. Pierce was working a lot of overtime. It was weird for all of them. They weren't used to the silence that now plagued this house. When Brittany was here she would always have the radio on or she would be singing or talking or something. But now, it was quiet.

"It's so different here now…" Quinn sighed and rubbed her temple. She was trying to suppress her feelings for the sake of Mrs. Pierce. She didn't want to upset her.

"I know, it feels like a ghost town or something." Finn looked up at everyone. He was about to say something else when Brittany's mother walked back into the room. She was greeted by sad smiles and silence. She sat in an armchair and crossed her legs.

She cleared her throat. Seeing all of Brittany's friends was nice. She was glad that they cared enough to come see her and check on her. She smiled and decided to break the silence.

"So. What's going on with everybody?" Everyone returned her smile and Rachel was the first to speak.

"Well, Finn is going to basic training in a couple of weeks and I'm off to New York next week." Finn put his arm around her and kissed her temple.

Kurt was next. "Well I'm going to New York next week to. And well Blaine here is going to be a senior." Blaine grabbed his hand and smiled at him.

Quinn was the only one who didn't speak up. Mrs. Pierce looked over at her. She was resting her head on her hand and was staring out the window. She was startled when she heard her name. "Quinn, sweetheart, what about you?"

"Oh uh. I'm off the Yale in a few days." She gave the older blonde a small smile.

"Well it's nice to hear that you are all moving on from this place." The awkward silence returned and once again Mrs. Pierce had to break it. Although she didn't really know about this question.

"Has anyone heard from Santana…?"Everyone looked away and started glancing towards Quinn.

Quinn took a deep breath. "She's, uh, good I guess. I mean she's getting better, but she's still having a rough time accepting it. I try to talk to her about it, but she just gets defensive like always and shuts me out."

Mrs. Pierce wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "Well, next time you see her, please tell her I would love to see her." Quinn gave her a small smile and a nod.

After a few more minutes, Finn stood up "We should probably get going if we're going to catch that concert guys…"

They all said their goodbyes and then left. Mrs. Pierce picked up their cups and took them into the kitchen. She set them in the sink and then sat down at the kitchen table. She buried her head in her hands and started crying. It wasn't unusual for her to cry, but today just felt like a nightmare. She was really hurting for Santana's sake. She loved her daughter, but she knew that Santana and Brittany had this special connection. They were soul mates. She didn't care if they were two girls, she cared if they were happy. She knew that Brittany loved Santana and that Santana loved Brittany even before they did. She always noticed how they held hands under the table and cuddled on the couch when they thought no one was looking. The way each of them would light up when they saw each other. It broke her heart to see that taken away from Santana.

Xx

_Santana was yet again standing in the middle of the road. She saw Brittany's car in the distance, but she knew it was no use to run towards it and try to stop it. She had tried so many times. She just stepped off the road and waited. But this time the car stopped a few feet in front of her and she saw the door open. Brittany walked around the car and towards Santana. _

_Santana's breath caught in her throat and she coughed. Brittany stopped a foot away from her and raised her hand to Santana's cheek. Santana leaned into it and brought her own hand up over Brittany's. The feeling of touching Brittany again was unlike Santana expected. Her skin felt like it was on fire, but in a good way. She smiled and met Brittany's eyes. She was smiling and her eyes were sparkling just like they did every time they were this close. Santana took a step forward to close the distance. She moved her hands to her girlfriend's waist and pressed herself against her. Brittany leaned down, but instead of kissing Santana, she whispered in her ear. _

"_You need to wake up Santana." She kissed her cheek and then pulled back. Santana broke down and fell to the ground. Brittany started back towards her car._

"_Brittany, please don't leave me, not again. I can't live without you. I have nothing." She pleaded and cried. Brittany came back over to her and knelt down beside her. _

"_Santana, I'm not coming back. You need to move on and start living your life again. Go to college or take that money your mom gave you and go to / New York. Become part of a community, make new friends, and go on dates. It's okay to move on, it's not going to take away what we had. I'll always love you."_

_Santana moved closer to her love and pressed their lips together. For a second Santana felt like she was falling. But then Brittany pulled away and when Santana opened her eyes, she was alone on the side of the road. She screamed._

Maria was fixing dinner and she heard a loud scream come from upstairs. It wasn't uncommon for Santana to scream because of a bad dream, but this scream was desperate. She dropped what she was doing and ran up the stairs.

Santana was on her side, hugging her pillow to her. She was still asleep, but she was screaming. There were tear running rapidly down her cheeks. Maria walked over and sat on the edge of the bed and shook her daughter's body. "Santana, mija, wake up. It's just a dream." Santana jolted awake when Maria touched her face. She pushed herself up and leaned into her mother. Maria just held her and stroked her hair. When Santana's breathing slowed down, Maria pulled away so she could look at the younger Latina. "Santana, what was your dream about?" Santana shook her head. Lately, she wouldn't talk about anything with her mother. Especially not her dreams.

"Santana Lopez you will tell me this time. It's getting out of hand now. You were screaming so loud and I need to know what for. I'm worried mija." Maria grabbed her daughter a tissue from her nightstand and gave it to her. Santana took it and wiped her eyes and nose. She gave her a moment.

"I was standing in the road again. But the car stopped this time. Brittany got out and told me to wake up. She walked away and I pleaded her not too. And then she came back over and told me get out here and live my life. I kissed her but she pulled away and then she was gone. She told me she'd-" she started crying again, "She said she would always l-love me…." Maria took the teen in her arms again. Santana sobbed and cried out.

It broke Maria's heart to see her daughter like this. So broken, so miserable, so unhappy. She was so unsure if Santana would ever be okay again. These dreams were taking her back every time she moved one step forward. She didn't know what else to do for her. Maria just broke down and started crying alongside her.

**I'm sorry this one is so short but I was lacking inspiration. I'll try to post more frequently now that I have my schedule more functional. Please stay tuned, I might update again today?!**

**Please follow, favorite, and review! I appreciate it so much and it inspires me! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**


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